I have a confession to make. It is not pretty, and I wish I did not have to share it with you. But, I really cannot stand you not knowing any longer.
I have a wonderful life. I have a wife that loves me, we live in a very nice duplex with tall ceilings and hardwood floors, surrounded by books and kitties and lots of friends. We have a huge front porch where we sit in the evenings, watching the moon set over the city skyline. Our car is dependable and safe, something that was not always true for us. We never go hungry.
And despite all of that, I am still not happy – for I am a jealous man. My Buddhists friends say that suffering comes from our attachment to outcomes. In other words, I am doing this to myself. My suffering is of my own manufacture.
At the core of Christianity is the death of our own ego.
I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but it is Christ who lives in me.
Whatever. By that definition, as a man of faith, I fail – miserably.
I open my Facebook account this morning and see that a guy I know has published yet another blog post that is traveling throughout the social networks, getting tons of comments, +1’s and ‘likes’. I read the post and think it trite, pabulum, really. Why do people read this crap, I ask myself.
But the reality is, while it might be trite, it is not crap. It is well written, he has an obvious following and he works hard at his craft. He plays to his audience and he does it well. The problem for me is not that he is successful – it is that I am jealous of his success.
Or that guy who started a nonprofit about the same time I did, but who courts evangelicals – using all the right code words- and as a result, gets invited to speak at all the big events. That guy drives me nuts. But in reality, he is not the problem – it is me and my frustration that while he flies all over the country, speaking to huge audiences, I am sitting in a crack house, talking to a sex worker that got beaten by a bad John. He is praised and lauded, and I struggle to keep my bills paid and to get $2 bus passes for homeless men so they can work today.
But, you will tell me, being there for the sex worker is important. It is real.
Oh yes. It is all of that. It is real as hell.
The ‘unfairness’ of it bugs the shit out of me. Because, deep down inside, I want to be lauded, I want to be praised; I want to be patted on the back. Because I am human.
Intellectually, I know that my work is valuable and good and all of that. But, in a world that heaps accolades on celebrities, that lives on the soundbite, that praises authors and packs stadiums to hear how you can have “your best life now”, it is easy to feel like a failure.
Like a nobody.
Like a nothing.
Even when I know that I am not. And even if I am, it’s not the point.
Because none of this is about me – it is about embodying Christ to the world.
I just wish I were better at remembering it.
# # #
If you liked this post, you might enjoy my newsletter Confessions of a Street Minister.
You are love, Hugh Hollowell! Thanks for confessing. And I will now assume the role of the office of a priest and say, “Christ died for us while we were yet sinners that proves God’s love for us. In the Name of Jesus Christ you are forgiven.”
We aim to know Jesus Christ…crucified. Let’s remember together.
Peace, brother!
Ooops…left off a “d”. God is love. You are loved!
As an athiest…I still will +1 your blogs. Jealousy is human, but you can also see that the ones who “use the right code words” and such eat up the popularity and fame. They are out of touch. You aren’t. It’s not glamorous, but you are real.
My buddy Matt once said that when people spend a lot of time getting +1s and likes from his FB friends and random evangelicals, he has received his reward for the things he does, trite or not. I know it’s hard. I know you want to stomp your feet. When I get like that I usually realize that I’m comparing myself with the wrong people.
Instead of looking at how many people are breezing through, I realize the millions who are trying to get their dying kids to the relative safety of a camp in Somalia. I’m not preaching at you, but the people you don’t know about are the faithful brothers and sisters ministering in obscurity who can’t say the part about the house, cats, friends, family.
You’re blessed. And you’re being a blessing. Maggie has absolved you of your sins. Now get back out there and keep working in relative obscurity, where your Father who can see right through relative obscurity is watching and waiting to reward you.
Your desire is not an evil one. Really reminded me of the longings expressed in C.S. Lewis’ “The Weight of Glory.” If you haven’t read it, it truly is incredible.
I’ll just mention that your work and ministry has made a difference in my life–and I live hours away. You’ve completely changed the way I think of ministry in general and ministry to people who are homeless or living in conditions I can’t even actually imagine specifically. I think about the work you’re doing all the time and I pray for you regularly. I’m still working things out, figuring out how I’m changing because of it. You have a grace from God that allows you to serve so completely and kindly and generously. Thank you for serving each individual person and may you never forget how your work is changing lives–even in places you’re unaware of.
Thing is, as morbid as it sounds, in the end… the guy with all the accolades and likes and +1′s is going to be dust, and so is the public speaker, and the evangelists, and me, and you. And if it turns out you folks are right and there’s a God and a Heaven and all that, you’ll be chilling there.
And big picture? It’s summertime. It’s well over 100 degrees all over the place. That sweltering heat comes from a huge ball of gas that’s 93 *MILLION* miles away. The point? Two things. First, that we’re all just a whole lot of nothing in the vastness and wonder of the universe. And second, everything you do has an impact to someone, somewhere in the world, whether or not you see the results of it.
I lament that those of us who don’t employ all the tricks like playing to our readers therefore don’t get all the hits/reads. But if you wanted a well written post Hugh, well, you just got one. Well done. Keep on truckin’.
Funny, I wish I could put down words of wisdom that will knock your socks off but I can’t cause I carry similar tendencies. It’s the reason why I put off blogging for so long…
I dunno. The thing that has oriented me lately is thinking about when I’m really really old, sitting in a seniors home reflecting on my life… will it be the google +1′s, fb likes, retweets, or speaking at zillions of conferences (cause there are zillions of conferences) that will carry kingdomly value or will I value actually doing stuff… like reading scripture to a woman on her death bed, heading to the hospital to meet with some teenagers who just lost their dad or . At the end of the day that’s what matters. Sounds good in theory but sometimes I have a hard time believing it.
You strike me as a guy who does stuff and a lot of it.
All that to say, I get where you are coming from…
peace.
Wish you could have been at Robert Fischer’s place on Sat night – you were a ‘maybe’ – loved to have met you and discussed this in person.
hugh, i’m a recent devotee of yours. i listened (online) to you talk at revolution and was thrilled. i know what you do isn’t glamorous, but it’s very, very important. i’ve been close to living on the street a few times and what you do means more to me than anything any other blogger says or talks about. the worst feeling is having needs, but no resources. this society is a beast and you helping people survive in or alongside it is the most crucial thing a human being can do with themselves. and i know i’m not you, but i, personally, am glad that you’re not a fad. popularity doesn’t make you worthwhile, recognition doesn’t make you worthwhile; substance is what makes you and what you do worthwhile. i don’t know what i can say to encourage and validate you, but i feel very strongly. i hope you know that at any given moment, i am rooting for you, and i suspect several others are too.