Hugh Hollowell

An early mentor of mine told me that no one cares how I feel, only what I do. While it seems harsh, it is pretty much the truth. While it might be nice that I love my dog, what matters is that I feed my dog. It might be nice that I like my employees, but what matters is that I treat then fairly. It may be interesting that the soldier on the battlefield is scared, but what matters is if he overcomes the fear and acts. As Margaret Thatcher once said (paraphrased), “No one would remember the Good Samaratin if he had only had good intentions”.

I am both a Christian AND a follower of Jesus. He is important to me and in my life in a way that is difficult to explain to someone who does not know him, in much the same way that it is difficult to explain why you love your girlfriend to someone who does not know her.

Yet… sometimes I experience doubts. I have had months and months before where I prayed and prayed and felt nothing… no answers, no insights, no nothing. I have had times where I wondered if indeed some Romans may have hid his body after all. I have had times where I wondered if it were really all true, if God really was up there, listening to me. Sometimes, it felt like talking to myself.

The experience is not singular to me. Spiritual writers have called the feeling of doubt and/or abandonment a “Dark Night of the Soul”. While the most I have ever endured was a few months, it seems that Mother Theresa felt the same thing… for decades. It turns out shortly after she began her work, she felt Jesus withdrawing from her. He began not talking to her in her prayers, she could no longer get joy from his presence at communion. She felt forsaken.

Yet, she not only remained faithful, she thrived in His name. She began as a single 36 year old nun and ended up a world renowned figure, who pointed the world to Him, always told of her love for Him, did so many things in His name. She kept the faith.

The story illustrates many points I do not have the time to go into, but the one thing that struck me was her faithfulness. She continued to pray, even though she could not hear His answer. She kept doing great works in His name. She always managed to turn any accolades she received into a chance to tell of His love. It adds a new dimension to her often quoted maxim that we are never called to be successful, merely faithful.

If you were in love with someone and they refused to talk to you, how long could you carry that torch? Beyond that, could you, for decades, go out and tell the world, by your words and your deeds, about this great lover of yours? While atheists will make what they want out of this, to me, knowing this side of Mother Theresa’s spiritual life does nothing but enhance my admiration for her.